Once again,
I doubted her and another misunderstanding occurs...
Why cant I just keep quiet and deal with this alone?

At these times,
i just wish i didnt know the meaning of love...
Mine is not love...
its jealousy...
Its dangerous...
And when im at my lowest point,
Its sad tht i have to face it alone...

I dont know who to turn to...

Ive hurt the one persontht i ever love and I dont deserve her...
Thouh i can nvr be sure whether its me tht she was disappointed with...
but still,
that status hit me hard...
I dont know how to react..

If i could turn back and undo anything,
its to take back all the words of doubts tht i hav uttered to u...

What hurts me the most is that, We used to talk alot about anything together...
But now, we hardly even look at each other, let alone talk...
U use to come to me with ur problems and i would listen it to it....
But now...
I feel like ive lost the most closest thing to my heart...
If u could read my heart or feel it,
can u feel it burning? Can u feel it hurting and aching just to be near u again?

Jack...Im scared we're drifting apart...
we already hardly see each other..
Now we hardly msg/call each other...
and now, we hardly even talk at work...

Is it because of the way I act? Or my way of seeing things?
U know I have always trusted u ever since the day I fall for u...
It had nvr change one bit that feelings...
If u could just see how much I longed just to feel uhold me like before..

It felt even worse than to not have a relationship with u...
Its definitely hundred times worse...
I can never ever forgive myself if its my fault for letting things get way out of hand...

Im tired of doubting, Im tired of always feeling betrayed...

Its time i learn to feel with my heart...

Wt hav i done to receive such painful love...

[Ya Allah, cabaran apa lagi yang telah engkau turunkan kepada insanmu ini..Yang tidak tahu erti cinta dengan
sedalam nya..Cabaran apa yang telah engkau turunkan untuk aku menghadapi nya dengan penuh
kesabaran dan keikhlasan...
Aku hanya insan biasa yang pernah membuat kesilapan...
Andai aku terguris hati mu sayang...dengan kata-kataku yang teramat tajam,
Aku memohon ampun dan maaf atas segala kepahitan yang telah aku siramkan keatas jiwamu itu..
Aku tahu kata-kataku hanya sekadar kata-kata kosong di mata kepalamu...
Tetapi aku mengharap ia mempunyai makna yang teramat dalam di mata hatimu...
Andai kau membaca diari hati ku ini suatu hari kelak, aku tidak akan mengata apa-apa..
kerna segalanya sudah tertatah di dalam diari ini...naluri dan rohani ku...]


-Yuzuki-
 

I want to hold you,
like the way I held you in my dreams,

The time we had is not enough to show everything that Ive long kept hidden in my heart..
The surpressed feelings just waiting to overflow..
Never would I imagine I would meet a person like you..
That make my night a peaceful dream,
That make my day a symphony..
If you should ever want to know my heart's desire,
Its through my longing eyes, always laying its gaze on you..

One day, I want to be able to say,
Sincerely from the bottom of my heart,
For the first time and definitely not the last time,
That I love you so deeply...

The reason that i fall for you is ur voice and ur smile,
and the way you manage to break open my heart somehow...

But i have no reason to why i still stay in love with you...
Ive already accepted you for everything that I know of you..
Even so, as the day passed, im still learning more about you..
I want to know every different side of you,
may it be good or bad, happy or sad...

Im still afraid of your temper...that, im not sure when i'll get used to it..
But still,
this feeling wont change, any sooner..

You are my lightin the dark,
You are the beating in my heart..

I know you'll stll be there for me whn the time comes for us to part...
even so,
I will still remember this complicated love i have for you,
till the day i die..
 
Jack...

Im not ur only one.....
No..

Though in my heart, i know there is u and only u...
Im glad u saw the jealousy on my face...
but i know i should have cover it up..

It seems tht whenever i need u the most, u are not there...
nobody is there..

When these tears fall..i have no shoulder to cry on..
I have no one to wipe this tears for me..
Cause ur the reason it falls..

Im sorry im not perfect..
Im sorry im not the one who is always there for u..
There are days when i hope that u would just say it out loud and clear..
no hinting, no joking, no laughing, just seriously, sincerely and honestly how u felt..

Im lost...

what am i dong here still hurting myself?
my heart is weak...
i could feel my body draining...
why do i even care...

Because once u start knowing what love is..
U will wish that u have never know it in the first place..

I'll write this on fb..
but i know she will comment on it...

Hanya Tuhan sahaja yang tahu betapa pilu nya hati ini di suduk kalbu..

even so i still cant stop this tears from falling....
I know this would happen...
I expected it...
But we hav no relationship..
She is free to be with whoever she wants...

Now what do i do...
theres only so much that the heart can take...

Is my time fr u only during working hours?

I wonder...if i lost my memories....what would u do?
 

Hmm...

I agree that some months had been awesome and some months had been hell..
I guess that right now,
its a mixture of both....

I can nvr know what she's thinking...
Is her heart with me?

I find it hard to trust anyone...

I know myself,
once i fall for that person, i could give him/her all the love i cld give..
I would treasure her with all my heart..
I would be sincere and accept them for who they are..
I would not look at others..
There's only one in my heart..

One thing i want is for them to love me as much as i love them...

so far, all the ones that i met, are not the ones i want or they dont love me as much..
except this last one....
she's everything that i hope for...I love her everything..
She's not perfect..
She's just human..
She makes mistakes..
She's hot-tempered..
She's impatient,stubborn..
others might see her as wild..
She fights..
She's reckless..
She said she has attitude problems..
etc..
even so, i accept her for who she is..
cause behind all those negative images of her,
there's an entirely different person...
I wont say it here..
only my heart and heaven know..

I know i fall for her real hard...this time its real..
From a certain point or moment,
somehow, i knw and felt it then, that she and i felt the same way..
but i didnt say anything coz i cant confirm it yet..

But now, im enjoying every single moment that i could with her..
There were many times when i dont want to leave her cause the moment was too short and fast..
Everytime she hug me close, i knw deep in my heart, i dont ever want her to let go...
Its amazing to know that someone u love, love u as much...

Even so, We are not attached..
I dont even know what relationship we hav..
We are way pass the friends/colleagues stage..
More than brother/sister stage even..
But not quite the boyfriend/girlfriend stage either...
maybe somewhere between..sibling and lovers stage...
HECK CARE...our relationship is blocked anyway...

Thats the only reason...if not, ive already given my everything...
Once i love someone, its hard to let go...
until i found someone new..but that could take a long time..

She told me to find a real guy..since that is what she wants,
I will find one but it will take a long time..
im not rushing anything...
Just loving her is aredi hurtful enough, im not going to jump into another one so fast..

I can say honestly that....Its already hurtful enough not being able to be in a relationship with her..
It hurts even more seeing the way she treats other girls like she's her girlfriend...
MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT...

sooner or later i will definitely blow up with all these bottled up feelings...
Its not that i dont want to let it out..its juz tht..i dont know how...
Right now..
my heart is made of thin ice...
u hav to gently move about...
once it crack or broken..
I dont think i have all the ice in the world to sculpt i back...
When that happens, i'll create a metal wall and fence and all the protection my heart needs arnd it...
I wont give in so easily this time...

My heart experience the pain nowadays...
I love her...but im scared that if i love her too much, its hard to let go..

Is there something u need to tell me?
Is there something ur hiding from me?

If there is...please tell me my dear, so i wont worry...
If there isnt....please tell me too, so i wont hav to think too much and doubt u even more..
I seriously hate to doubt u...

I told u..i dont trust ppl with my feelings..
I only trust them once they show it sincerely and honestly to me..

Im not expecting anything...cause every expectations comes with great disappointment...
although behind some disappointment, theres hope..

in this 7 mths ive known her,
i knw she's sincere and she's honest...
she'll definitely tell me if there's anything wrong..
i trust her on that..

I love her and I miss her...alot
The calls and msgs we sent to each other and the only short hours we get seeing each other,
is not enough to cover all the days, hours, minutes and seconds that was lost when we did not meet or talk to each other...

memories are stronger than words...
it showed action..
I want this connection we have to last long..for as long as we both shall live..
till death do us apart...even so the love will still remain in my memory and my heart...

-Yuzuki-